helpless

i wrote this post on thursday but wordpress was having site issues.

today was a day that we will remember forever. the first day that we gave xander regular formula…and the last.

i have made the decision that it is time to add formula feedings in to supplement breastfeeding. we have been talking about it for a while, but today was the day. i went over what to do with sam so that he was ready to go when xander was hungry. i also gave him warning that due to xander having ezcema, he was more susputible to a cow milk allergy, so when he gave him the bottle to just be looking for any kind of allergic reaction.

well…

it happened. at about 1:15 pm this afternoon, i get a call on my cell phone while working. “Babe, Xander is breaking out around his mouth and screaming.” I was already packing up my stuff and closing out my computer.

“I’m on the way.”

we got him to the pediatrician and he seemed to be fine. but we decided to have him checked anyway and talk with the doctor.

we waited for 30 minutes and then sam noticed white whelps appearing around his neck. then i saw the same whelps on the back of his head, his back, and now popping up on his legs. i started freaking out….to say the least.

i walked up to the window and interrupted a conversation to let the front desk know that my son was in for an allergic reaction and it seemed to be getting worse….fast. they put us back and we undressed him only to find that the hives were continuning to spread rapidly and xander was now scratching and crying. and so was I.

he didnt have any respiratory problems, just an awful case of hives. by the time the doctor came in about 15 minutes later, xander was stripped down to his diaper, sleeping on sam’s chest, and the hives were gone but replaced by a red splotchy rash. it looked no where as bad as it did 15 minutes earlier.

i apologized profusely on my way out of the office. thanking the nurse and staff for their help and apologizing for freaking out but honestly, i freaked out because i felt..you guessed it…helpless.

Helpless, because i couldnt make it stop.

Helpless, because it was my idea to start supplementing and now i couldnt make my son feel better.

Helpless, because i had to freak out in order for some one to take me seriously.

Helpless.

I know that this will not be the last time i feel helpless. i know that there will be other times where all i can do is hold him and tell him everything is going to be okay.

but i was able to do one thing.

pray.

“Lord, please.”

that was all i could get out.

there are so many times, when as a Christian, we have those moments when we are helpless. without our faith and hope in Christ, we dont have a chance. i thank God that it wasnt worse then it was. i thank God that we are at home, listening to the passing rainstorm and xander is sleeping peacefully in his crib. i thank God that even though we oftentimes find ourselves helpless, His grace reminds us that He’s got our backs, no matter what.